Tuesday, June 9, 2009


TO: Laos
COPY: Dallas Fire Department
FROM: Former client
DATE: March 3, 2008
SUBJECT: Your duty

Dear Laos,

Recently, I had the misfortune (I say fortune) to call your station as an emergency arose. My dog, Mudd, fell into a hole in our house that we were remodeling. Being that Mudd is blind and deaf and certainly cannot get out from underneath the house, we had to call your services.

I must say that it was a privilege to see you at work, saving our beloved dog from certain doom. I admired your valor (and strong arms) as you pried up floorboards and hacked your way through darkness while not once showing any fear. (I have to ask, do you work out often?)

After successfully saving part of my family and departing back to the station, I decided I needed to thank you for your undying devotion to the art of saving kittens in trees and dogs under houses. So, I did what any single, hot-blooded, young woman would do. I made you banana bread and delivered it to you the next day, with phone number attached. But this time, you failed me.

I noticed on your Web site that your mission statement says, “Our mission is to prevent and suppress fires, educate and rescue citizens, provide emergency medical services, promote public safety and foster community relations.” However, you failed to do the last one. I know you felt it as much as I did Laos, so why did you not call? Your chiseled features and strong legs, lifting my toy poodle from a hazardous situation; your smile to me when I say we’ll do this again soon; the way you seemed so concerned when you asked what the problem was… *sigh.*

I’m sure the fireman’s code says it is your duty to romance a woman in distress, but yet, I have not heard from you. You came to my house and rescued a damsel/dog in distress, arriving on your big, red steed; wearing your large, princely pants to hide your huge…muscles, but left this princess all alone even after the giving of sacred banana bread.

I feel I must remind you that you have not yet completed your duties, but I shall forgive you once you arrive at my doorstep after reading this memo. I look forward to your speedy return.

Love, Rita

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